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It's easy to make fun of. It seems desperate, and a lot of times, it was. Those nights of carefully poking through personals would become the norm. I learned to delete my browser history with the care of a jewel thief—wanting to lift even my fingerprints from the keyboard, if I could. I wouldn't even go through with meeting someone until I was Living at home with my parents, after attending a school where you could count the number of out students on two hands, I was certain this was it.

No gay world existed. Not for me. One night, so frustrated by the one-way mirror I had made for myself, I posted an ad.

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I hoped. Several men responded in kind. Or crassness. Many of them were very respectable by the typical professional measure— cops, teachers, security officers. Then I got an email from Tom. He was short, early forties, and he wanted to meet me.


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He did some boring insurance thing for a living that, at the time, assuaged my concern he might be a serial killer. Deep down, I knew even then that none of these men had bad intentions. Perhaps they were bad men! But the intentions? I wanna suck dick and get my dick sucked, I ll be down to fuck as well.

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